While at my bi-weekly retired old man happy hour we encountered a social norm violation and the reaction of the my friend in contrast to my own interests me. Basically, a social norm is expected behavior in certain circumstances.

What I’d like to explore today is the reaction different individuals have to a social norm violation. Some people, like me, tend to shrug their shoulders and accept the outcome while others are prone to attempting to rectify the situation.

The Social Norm Violation in Question

In this case, we frequent the establishment pretty regularly and one of the perks of going is happy hour. That is to say, half-priced beer and appetizers. We enjoyed ourselves as usual but when the bill came, we noticed that some of us did not get half-priced beer during the happy hour. We were charged full-price regardless of the time we ordered.

This was obviously an oversight as we’ve gotten the half-priced beer many times in the past. The reason I consider this a social norm violation is that we frequent this establishment pretty regularly and have done so for years. There is an expectation as a regular customer that such an oversight will be quickly and efficiently solved in one fashion or another. Rebill or make a note for future visits and discounts.

The Reaction to the Social Norm Violation

I’m rather confrontation averse. I was one of the ones who didn’t get half-price on my two beers. I didn’t consider it a big deal and pretty much left it alone. I’d already handed them my card, added the tip, and finished the transaction by the time someone noticed the issue.

One of my friends noticed the problem and immediately called over the waiter to try and remedy it. I’ve noticed this before about this particular friend, he feels strongly about social norms. If he spends money at a place on a regular basis, he expects to be treated like a regular, given the benefit of his frequent patronage.

He spent the time to point out the error and attempt a correction; calling over a variety of people to explain things and get it straightened out. In the end, as we’d all settled up, accepted an offer of future considerations, likely free appetizers next time.

Right and Wrong

I am not trying to say one of us handled it correctly or incorrectly. I think he handled the situation exactly the way he wanted and so did I. Despite the fact we did two different things, neither of us was wrong. What I do find interesting is difference.

I tend to let things like that slide whereas he does not. Where does that come from? I suspect there is a bit of nurture versus nature in the reaction to the social norm violation. I’ve always had the tendency to shrug my shoulders and say whatever, after which I tend to avoid such people and places in the future. If they can’t treat me properly, I’ll take my business elsewhere. If someone is a jerk, then I’ll stop hanging around the person.

My friend prefers to resolve the problem directly and immediately which I find an admirable trait. I wish I was more like that but then I’m also happy that I’m not more like that, if that makes any sense at all.

Conclusion

I think everyone is on the bell curve on this issue. Some more like my friend, some more like me. Again, I’m not interested in deciding which one is better or worse, just highlighting the differences.

Tom Liberman