I haven’t done a review in a while so why not break the fast with a scorching take-down of Anna Pigeon? I’d prefer to review a show I really enjoyed but we are where we are. If forced to give a single-word review of Anna Pigeon that word is ghastly. It fails and it fails everywhere. It fails often, it fails broadly, it fails at realism, it fails at portraying believable people, it really fails at physics, there’s a first-year physics student prepared to leap off a cliff after watching the cliff scene.

All right, what’s important here is not that it’s ghastly, it’s why it’s ghastly. That’s the point of a review. What works, what does not work, and why. Such reviews help me in my own writing so let’s get on with it.

What’s Anna Pigeon About?

There was a lot of exposition in the first thirty-five minutes of the pilot episode and I’m going to try and remember some of it; but I wasn’t taking notes so it’s not going to be easy. Apparently, our titular character, Anna Pigeon, worked in New York City in some capacity of theater. I’m sure one of the exposition dumps told me her old job but I can’t remember. Something happened, I think a traumatic divorce but maybe he died, again, not sure, lots of information dumps tend to confuse me and she became a park ranger working at one of the national parks, again, I think they mentioned which one but I can’t remember.

Opening Scene Stupidity in Anna Pigeon?

The show opens with narration about why she is where she is and what’s going on, always great to open a show with narrated exposition explaining the motivations of the main character. And, by always great, I mean the worst steaming pile of human excrement possible. Do not start your show this way! Let us learn, organically, through pertinent scenes, about our main character.

A phone call awakens Anna in the dark. She complains, it’s dark, why are you calling me? Turns out one of her ranger pals didn’t return after her patrol. okay, maybe, I guess. I mean, wouldn’t they have known this earlier? Anyway, this phone call is interrupted by Anna’s sister calling from New York City. Well, I mean, why is her sister calling at this hour of the morning, an emergency perhaps? Dad is dead? The cat needs a liver transplant?

Nope, it’s just so her sister can information dump us on why Anna left the New York theatrical scene in the first place. Stupid information dump but also why would the sister be calling at that hour? It makes no sense. Then the piece de resistance of stupidity, the head ranger calling Anna tells her not to head out in the search until it’s light. Then why did you call in the middle of the night, you idiot.

Ongoing Stupidity in the Search

Out goes Anna to find her friend in a National Park, on foot. No drones, no helicopters, no partner, no horses, just hiking along. No emergency here. And, surprise, surprise, she stumbles on the corpse. Cue five seconds of grief. I’d have some sympathy if they’d had Anna being given the coordinates of her friend’s last known location, her glancing at the GPS on her phone, even using, heaven forbid, a compass and a map. But no, none of that. Just walks right to the spot.

Her friend has obvious bite marks in the neck. Cue up the mountain line and the dramatic music for a standoff. Shoo, says Anna, and off goes the creature. The body is in prickly brush and if the cat killed her and dragged her here, there’d be signs. There are none so Anna deduces it’s a frame job on the cat, genius that she is. And she truly is a genius because everyone else tells her to shut up and go with the mountain lion attack, no need for an autopsy. We need Anna to be a Mary Sue and smarter than everyone else despite the fact that her background is in theater and the others are lifetime rangers. She must be right so the audience understands she’s the hero. Hint, it’s useful if the protagonist has flaws, it makes them relatable.

Anyway, up come her friends to help her carry out the corpse. Oh, look obvious bite marks on the neck, must have been a mountain lion. No, it wasn’t the mountain lion I just saw, it was hunting a badger whose corpse is conveniently close, look see. Cue eye roll.

Let’s Talk about the Beautiful People

Anna, overcome with grief and sadness at the loss of her friend jumps straight into bed with the hunky bartender, ripping off her clothes to display her underthings. When I first saw Anna Pigeon as a new show I went off and looked up the cast. The cast is one great looking bunch of folks and that’s usually a terrible indicator. The better looking the cast, the worse the show. We don’t need to hire people who can act, we need to hire rippling abdomens and heaving bosoms. The mantra of a terrible show.

The Cliff Scene

More stupidity, exposition, and random scene jumping occurs but this is already getting too long and I want to bring some closure. The cliff scene. There is a report of people hitting golf balls of a bluff, Anna gets sent, of course, because it’s a trap meant for Anna. So, the elaborate trap to kill Anna hinges on Anna being the ranger sent to investigate. Stupid. Anna gets to the bluff and sees a beer can near the ledge, she says, out loud, “beer can”. You cannot make this stuff up. She goes to retrieve the can but it’s a dead-fall trap or something and over the cliff she plunges.

Cue the drone camera of her hanging on to a rocky face by her fingertips a good thirty feet down a sheer rock face. She fell thirty feet and managed to catch herself with her fingers. The cliff face is sheer, drops straight down hundreds of feet. On Anna hangs, her entire body-weight held by a couple of fingers. Cue dramatic music. The evil doer drops a rock on her head. She wakes up having fallen onto a ledge. Where did the ledge come from? No clue. Now we get a voice-over monologue of the ex-husband encouraging her to not fall asleep, she’s unconscious at this moment, mind you. C’mon Anna, get up. You must get up. Up she gets, scales the sheer cliff, and heads back to her car.

Who does she call, her FBI buddy to tell him she has a dislocated shoulder, an open wound in her side, and a concussion. His response, chuckle, well, take care of yourself Anna. Anna, goes to car, calls in the attack, alerts the authorities that a murderer is on the loose, waits for help. Just kidding. She gets in her car and drives home, her home, not hospital home, to her cabin. That, dear friends, is when I quit. You’ll have to watch the rest for yourselves.

Conclusion

Is this what people consume these days? My hope for humanity wanes further every day.

Tom Liberman